Donut; Donutness.
“What is the donutness of a donut? What makes a donut such?”
Thus asked a wise friend of mine Friday night as we ate them, leaving me somewhat pitifully — my mouth, of course, full of fried dough and nutella — devoid of snappy answer.
It’s remarkably sad; I do, after all, have a reputation to uphold. And sure, I can sing the praises of rosewater-glazed donuts until cupcakes go out of fashion (a fun thought, but less than likely) but that doesn’t actually mean I could, you know, be a visiting donut guest lecturer at your university.
(Although, um. Actually. My glazed enthusiasm combined with my proclivity toward bombast go a really, really long way. Hear that, oh my hordes of collegiate readers?)
Here are some non-technical and somewhat subjective truths:
A. Donuts are fried. Plain and simple. Or, you know, complicated and elaborate. But, fried.
A1. But what of baked donuts? A valid if inferior alternative.
A2. And thus, are they mere “cupcakes dressed in a ring-shaped form?”
B. Donuts are round, with holes in their centers.
B1. EXCEPT that OHMIGOD there is this ONE MACHINE that makes them in the shape of TRIANGLES!
B2. OK and apparently there is enough nostalgic energy around “missing the donuts with the edible handles” to constitute a facebook group.
B2a. Although to be fair, I *do* kind of see the utility in an edible handle.
B3. OK OK and there are maple bars and eclairs and all sorts of oblong donuts.
B4. Not to mention the square donuts from the Lower East Side’s illustrious Dessert Truck Works, the very donuts whose square shape called my (ahem) donut expertise into question to begin with!
B4a. I digress. But can we just talk about a perfectly raised square-pillow exterior with a perfect gooey-warm nutella interior, and a dusting of sugar that’s ever-so-slightly tempered by a little bit of saltiness in the batter? Yeah.
C1a. People have some things to say about this.
D. Donuts are best when consumed with an appropriate hot beverage pairing.
D1. Remind me that I’d like to do something of a donut/hot-beverage-pairing New York decathalon. In which, yes, I sample ten donuts with ten varied accompanying hot beverages. Because, who knows? The great tradition of scientific discovery will thank me when it becomes clear when I’ve figured out which is The Best.
D1b. One flavor cannot overwhelm the other. This is of the utmost import.
E. A deconstructed donut is very much still a donut.
F. Donuts are very old-fashioned.
F1. Except when they’re newfangled.
F1a. Or even newer-fangled.
G. Pancakes count.
G1. Because I say so.
See? Stumped for a second there, but I believe we’ve really stumbled upon a formula here. Like, I think we’re Onto Something.
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